Child on the beach (Photo credit: marcusfrieze)
Parenting is hard work. Let me repeat myself. PARENTING IS HARD WORK! But it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences in life. We love our children. We don’t always like the choices that they make, and sometimes their behaviors drive us crazy, but we love them all the same. We try our best, but we do make mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. But we try to learn from our mistakes- at least most of us do.
For many jobs out there training is required- a class, a workshop, an internship. Not for parenting. We aren’t even given an instruction manual. Talk about on the job training- and many times without a trainer. Yet parenting is the most important job out there, in my opinion.
What is parenting? What is effective parenting? I do not have all the answers, and I make my fair share of mistakes- just ask my children. But I do want to share with you some things that I have learned over the years. And then I want to hear from you.
PARENTING IS…
Being involved in your child’s life. Take the time to listen to your children. Really get to know them. Get to know their friends. Go to their sporting events, piano recitals, and award ceremonies. Help in their schools. Get to know their teachers and coaches. They will be a lot less likely to get into serious trouble, if you stay involved. These things tell your children that you really care. If you do not disappoint your child, your child will be less likely to disappoint you.
Establishing rules and setting limits. Children and adolescents are not emotionally mature enough to make their own rules. You need to do it for them. They will thank you once they are an adult. If you do not effectively manage your child’s behavior when he or she is three, you will be in for it when he or she is thirteen. It is a lot easier to ease up on rules, than to wait until a child is an adolescent to set them.
Providing structure. Children do not know this, but they crave structure and routine. It makes them feel safe. They know what to expect. Have set bedtimes depending on age and individual sleep requirements. Have set meal times and turn off the cell phones. Routines are key to raising healthy children.
Treating your child with respect. Respect goes both ways. The best way to get respect from your child is to respect your child. Listen when your child is speaking to you. Talk to your child politely. Respect his or her opinion. Treat your child with kindness. Avoid humiliating your child or speaking negatively about your child to others. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for all of your child’s future relationships. If you bully your child, your child will either become a bully or allow others to bully him or her. History really does repeat itself.
Promoting independence. Your goal is to give your child roots and wings. Know that it is healthy and normal for your child to be pushing for autonomy. This is a natural process. Growing their wings should be gradual. It involves baby steps. You can’t deny a child all independence and then push them out of the nest one day. Nor can you give a child too much independence too soon. They need to grow their wings gradually. Read child development books so that you are familiar with normal development at each age. You want your child to love you forever, but it is not in their best interest to need you forever. (I know- this is a hard one)
Being consistent. Children need to know that you mean what you say. Your words mean nothing if you do not consistently back them up with action.
Helping children with homework or finding someone who can. A child’s success in school is the ticket to living a productive life. Do not depend on the teacher alone to educate your child. Get involved. Do your part. Collaboration works best. Create a united team for your child.
Putting the emotional needs of your child above your emotional needs. Yes, you have emotional needs- but DO NOT rely on your child to meet them. Take your problems to another adult. You are there to meet your child’s emotional needs- not the other way around.
Building your children up rather than tearing them down. How you treat your children is how they will treat themselves. The things that you say to your children will become internalized, and they will one day tell themselves the very thing that you have told them. You have a lot of power. Be careful. Those things that you say when you are angry and frustrated, your children will believe- whether you meant to say it or not.
Loving your children unconditionally. It is okay to dislike or disapprove of your child’s behavior- but make sure your child knows that you love him or her regardless. You like the child- you don’t like the behavior. You are not a bad boy- but the behavior is unacceptable.
This list is not complete. Many readers are very effective parents. I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! OTHER PARENTS OUT THERE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU! SHARE THE LOVE. Please add to my list in the comment section of this post. Characteristics of effective parenting…. your additions please.
There are so many different methods of parenting. For me, parenting meant sending my autistic son to live with carers for both of our sakes – I was afraid of his temper and just couldn’t provide the support he needs. I’ve often been accused of “giving up” on him or “not caring”. I wouldn’t have done what I did for him if that were true.
When I made that decision I was listening to him and not thinking of myself. I’d like to take this opportunity to let other parents with looked after children know that they needn’t feel guilty. We all did it out of love!
Yes. Parenting needs to be adjusted for a special needs child. Often people make judgements with so little knowledge. I am sure you did what was in the best interest of your son. Thank you so much for adding your comments to this post.
Wonderful advice there for any would be parent or even existing parent. Luckily I never made any mistakes with my own child, I was the perfect parent. Yeah right! There’s a photo frame at the Smithsonian with the title: ‘Picture of a Perfect Parent’ – the frame is empty!!
You are funny. You made me smile. Thank you, Stuart.
Listening, respect, unconditional love and emotional leeway – I did all of that but I failed dismally with the other things on your list. Ming was given absolute freedom from an early age and I never did bedtime or mealtime (brat wouldn’t eat anyway back then!) but now have an 18-year-old son who shines and shines and shines (well not always but you know what I mean.)
I absolutely loved this post – thank you!
I am glad that you like it. It sounds like you provided your son with a lot of love and he shines! That is wonderful!
Parenting is hard work, and the most rewarding work we can do.
. Love this! Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for commenting. Hugs to you
Parenting is hard but the investment is awesome once they reach adulthood and are functioning well on their own. I had the opportunity to be with a couple of our employees this weekend who have toddlers and it brought back the memories of just how hard parenting is. Great article as always. Have a great Monday Kristin!
Yes. I was with my toddler nieces and nephews this past weekend, and it brought back the memories too. I no longer have to get up at 6:00 am on the weekend, and I can just tell my kids that it is time to go. I no longer have to get them ready. We have come along way.
Yes we have and isn’t it wonderful!
Very good summary! There are several books on parenting out there, but few, if any of us, read them BEFORE we have kids!
So true!
Reblogged this on What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see… and commented:
Awesome post, Kristin!
Thank you so much, Todd.
Very hard work, but the payoff lasts a lifetime.
Very true
It’s very easy to be a bad parent *sigh* and I’ve seen a few. And yes it’s VERY hard work to be a good parent. Thanks for posting this
You are welcome. Thank you for commenting. Have a terrific evening.
It’s pretty difficult to define what parenting is, seeing as it is an all-encompassing sort of thing. You did a good job highlighting the main points of what good parents should be trying to do.
Yes, Janet. It can be difficult to define. Thank you for commenting on my blog. Warm wishes to you!
‘If you do not disappoint your child, your child will be less likely to disappoint you.’
Love this. Wonderful advice. I can’t say that I have much more to add from what you said, this is a great post. The only other thing I can think of (which may not be on everyone’s list) is to raise your child to know God. As a father, I want my kids to know their ultimate Father and I believe by doing so, that will give them a good foundation for their lives. But again, I know this may not be on everyone’s list. Have a great day and thanks for such an awesome post!
It is on my personal list- that is for sure. Faith in God is important to my family. I believe that it is extremely important for children to believe in something much larger than themselves and their parents. Thank you so much for your comments, Brian.
Sure thing, Kristin! Enjoyed reading your comment here too. Have a good evening
I love this post! Parenting IS SO hard! I love your list…these are all the things I value as well. Thanks so much for sharing. I definitely needed the reminder today….and every day.
So nice to hear from you, Melanie. Parenting is HARD! But the rewards can last a life time. Thank you so much for commenting. Warm wishes to you!
this is such a great post. structure and limit setting is where are I see a lot of my peers fail.
It is not easy! Thank you for commenting. It is always great to hear from you!
Very good points. Also, parenting doesn’t end when they turn 18, go to school, or move out, or even when they marry. It’s forever! Just in different ways.
So true!
Parenting is perhaps both the hardest and the funnest things I’ve ever done! I don’t think I’ll ever “quit” this job (though the pay stinks).
True again, Shannon!
Thank you so much for the pingback. Keep inspiring!