Freedom (Photo credit: Josef Grunig)
Many of us spend our lives wishing for something that just isn’t. We want to change the past. We want to change another person. We get so caught up in wishing things were different, that we have no energy left to change the things that we can. When our thoughts are consumed with “why me” or “life is so unfair” we stay stuck and miss out on “what is” and “what can be.”
Marsha Linehan, founder of dialectical behavior therapy, uses radical acceptance to help herself and her clients. Radical acceptance is an acceptance that comes from deep within and is free of judgement. It is not saying that something is good or bad, it is saying it just is. When you radically accept something, you stop complaining about it and start doing something to improve your life. Linehan uses the purple room as an example.
“Imagine that you hate the color purple. Then imagine that you move to a house where your room is purple. If you refuse to accept that the room is purple, you will never paint it a color that you want. Fighting reality causes suffering. (I hate this room) Sometimes people get so caught up in hate that they don’t change things. First accept the purpleness of the room, and then paint it.”
After my dad’s friend, Skip Wilkins, became paralyzed in a water skiing accident, he went on to become an author, an international motivational speaker, and a gold metalist in wheelchair sports. Without radical acceptance, he would not have been able to accomplish any of those things. He could have very easily spent his life thinking about what his life could have been and how much easier others have it.
Whether the challenge is small or massive, radical acceptance can help us move forward in life. It is the path to resolution, and it is the path to healing. It is about saying, “Here is where I am. Now what can I do moving forward?”
Whether it is a death, a break up, a disease, or a difficult boss, “why me” and “look how good other people have it” will keep you miserable and keep you stuck. It is growing from where you land that elevates you to a level you never thought possible.
Reblogged this on Wholeheartedness and commented:
Wow! I want to say something more profound than that, but I guess I haven’t had enough coffee…
Thanks for sharing this message, Todd.
I had a lot of stories on Radical acceptance. that is really way to Love. Thanks, Kristin
You are very welcome!
Great post, Kristin! Have a Wonderful week! Love & Light, S
Have a great week, Sloan!
YES!
Thank you for this wonderful gift. So much power in being with ‘what is’ and accepting without judgement or attachment.
You are so welcome, Vicki!
I do have a tendency to the “It shouldn’t be this way!” attitude. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it IS. Thanks, Kristin, this is really helpful for me!
I am glad!
I think all of us have to accept some things that don’t fit our vision of perfection. And yes, it makes us happier to accept what we can’t change. There are plenty of achievable goals to focus on.
So true!
“Acceptance”—the way it is often used—positively baffles me.
To me, “acceptance” connotes coming to terms with something, in particular, coming to live with something on its terms (instead of our terms), just the way it is, and not desiring to change it, a la “The Serenity Prayer” (“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change / The courage to change the things I can / And wisdom to know the difference”) or the fifth of Kübler-Ross’s five stages of death and dying. Once I accept that I cannot change something—once I give up the fight against something bigger and stronger than myself—then I relax, my attitude changes, some sort of inner peace and calm and tranquility arises.
In other words, and in terms of the purple room, acceptance means I become OK with the purple-ness of the room and I no longer desire to change or repaint it, instead I become like Prince (or TAFCAP), and I come to accept (be okay with) and possibly even enjoy the purple majesty of my room. Instead of purple being a negative thing, it has become a neutral thing, and possibly even a slightly positive thing.
What Linehan seems to be talking about here (“If you refuse to accept that the room is purple, you will never paint it a color that you want.”) is acknowledgment, not acceptance. In what Kübler-Ross is talking about, the opposite of denial is acknowledgement and then acceptance. In what Linehan is talking about is “acknowledging” something—and not even the purple-ness of the room necessarily, but rather one’s disdain for any and all things purple. If I unconsciously become so irritated and agitated and grumpy every time I see purple that I get locked into a fog of anger and meanness, and I don’t know why this is happening, then I need to start becoming more aware of what is setting me off or triggering me. Once I become aware of my triggers, then I can start to do something about them—either remove the triggers from my surroundings (repaint the purple room yellow or white or black [great Stones’ song, btw!]), or get to work on seeing purple in a different way and working on my attitude and my perception.
But when I read this—“ Sometimes people get so caught up in hate that they don’t change things. First accept the purpleness of the room, and then paint it.”—this doesn’t make sense to me logically or linguistically. First accept that you don’t like the color purple, then realize (not accept) or acknowledge that you are living in a purple room and that ticks you off, then either move or repaint it or change your attitude. That makes sense linguistically and logically to me.
Your post, Kristin, aside from use of the term “radical acceptance” makes perfect sense. When something radical happens to us or befalls us—when some calamity or major life change occurs—we can either fall into laments of “why me?” and “life is so unfair,” or we can get to work adjusting to the new rules and limitations we have, begin adjusting and or recalibrating our attitude and expectations (“what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”), learning / developing new (and perhaps compensating) life skills (the saying when one door closes, another door opens; we can try to see what new door or doors may have opened), or in the case of terminal diagnosis, we can begin putting our house in order.
I just think there has to be a better and more accurate term than “acceptance,” though what so many people long for deep down is acceptance, belonging, love, so calling something that isn’t that that may actually in some way help people even though it confuses me and even though it seems to be muddying the meaning of the word “acceptance.”
What do you think? Maybe you can help me in my confusion. Because this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this. Elsewhere I saw self-love and self-acceptance being used, and it became clear to me that perhaps a more accurate way of conceptualizing what was being discussed was “self-compassion” or “self-kindness.”
Just my thoughts and opinions upon reading your post, Kristin.
Kindest regards as always,
John
John, You have brought up some great points here. I conceptualize acceptance as coming to terms with something that is beyond our control to change. In Linehan’s example, the room could be repainted. Acknowledge may have been a better term for the purple room example. I am going to go back and look at Linehan’s work. Much to think about, John. Thank you for stretching my brain this evening.
An additional thought- Acceptance as in the 5 stages of loss and in “The Serenity Prayer” focuses on accepting a situation. Linehan focuses on the situation, but she really zeros in on accepting emotions that come and go. She teaches to accept emotions without becoming overly attached to them or pushing them away. It just is. Instead of saying “I shouldn’t be angry or scared,” she teaches to accept or acknowledge the feeling without judging it. She teaches skills to “surf the urge.” Meaning accept that the feeling is there, without reacting in a destructive emotionally charged way. Linehan focuses on mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The argument that this is acknowledging not accepting the uncomfortable emotion can still be made. As far as the purple room goes, I can now think of more appropriate examples. Thank you for stretching my mind a bit.
Great post! Simple but powerful message!
Thank you!
I guess I’ve come to grips with the most recent radical acceptance in my life. After graduating last year with my BS in Social Sciences, I matriculated to and had been accepted in a prestigious university. Several days before starting my first intern semester, I had visited the associate dean. We spoke about various issues including where I’d be carrying out and complete my internship. Then, I became ill. I was devastated to say the least, but subsequently embraced the radical acceptance. Now, I’m blogging and have become an aspired nonfiction writer.
Thank you for this informative and right to the point passage.
Great opportunities often come out of the greatest challenges. Keep the faith!
I will and thank you.
Excellent post Kristin! Thank you for challenging us to look for the positive!
Always great to hear from you, Tina.
A beautiful and useful exposition Kristin! Thank you for sharing. -Renee
Thank you, Renee. I hope that you enjoy your day.
Reblogged this on GoodOleWoody's Blog and Website.
Thank you so much for sharing my post with your readers!
This actually made me think of L.O.A. (Law of Attraction) today. If you keep dwelling on the past or how things “Could have”, “Would have”, or “Should have” you will never get anywhere with your life until you start to learn to live in the present and make the best/most of your circumstances.
Good share!
So true, Gwendolynn.
love this. DBT is a miracle
Hi Jill. Thank you. DBT is very helpful to so many!
This post got me started on a journey that has taken me to Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance”. I am in the middle of it now and I highly recommend both the book and her podcast of meditations that can be found at tarabrach.com…
In March, I will be attending The Psychotherapy Networker annual symposium where Tara Brach will be the key note speaker. I am looking forward to it. Radical Acceptance is a power thing.
Acceptance… the most challenging no-brainer in the universe! As you journey onward, I invite you to visit the enchanted tree…
http://themusingmaven.com/2013/03/19/the-enchanted-tree/
I will visit. Thank you!
I think the example of the mother and child separated in different parts of their basement following the collapse of their house, is a better example. Thinking something could be down the mother, who cannot move, tries to get her child to come to here, but the child is also trapped by falling debris. Only when she sees and accepts this reality, can to mother “improve the moment; a key Linehan strategy.
I am a Linhean fan and was accused of stealing her concepts for my Emotional Fitness Training programs. Didn’t but after attending a training with her, discovered why I was thought a thief. My target audience remains focused on the worried well, not the seriously mentally stressed.
Thank you for this.I pinned it and posted in on Facebook.
Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for the link and all of your support, Todd.
Thank you for sharing.