What Your Child Needs Most From You

girl fishingWhat does your child need most from you?

What your child needs most from you is for you to not need your child.

I first heard this from my friend and colleague, Dr. Paul VanValin, a clinical psychologist.

“What?” you may ask. As I originally did.

“Of course I need my child. I love my child!”- you may say.

Our children need us to be there for them- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not the other way around. They need us- they don’t want us to need them. If we need them they live a life so consumed with our needs, that they forget that they have any of their own. And this has potential life-long consequences. [Read more...]

Parents-Space: A Great Resource for Parents

parents-spaceA Great Resource for Parents

For all of you parents out there, you may want to check out a new parenting website. It is called Parents-Space. I was recently asked to be one of their contributing authors and am very excited about this opportunity.

This site covers parenting young children, parenting teens, single parenting, bullying, internet safety and so much more. Just this morning I read a great article about the dangers of instagram. It includes tips to help keep your children safe if they are using this app. I hope that you will check it out.

http://www.parents-space.com

Instagram- A Parent’s Guide

The Bully

 

What is Assertiveness?

assertiveBeing assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others.” -Mayo Clinic Staff

Aggressive people tend to put their needs before the needs of others. Passive people tend to put the needs of others above themselves. Passive-aggressive people tend to [Read more...]

How to Stepparent

stepMany people have come to counseling asking how to stepparent. Today we are seeing more and more blended families, and parents want to know if they are doing it right.

Although there is no exact science to stepparenting or any kind of parenting for that matter, parents who take the time to read the research are usually better off than those who enter into a stepfamily unprepared. [Read more...]

A Valuable Parenting Tip

cryOur children need us to be their rock. They need to be able to borrow our calm. When our child gets spun up in an emotional hurricane, it is counterproductive to get into the hurricane with them. The two of us in a cyclone equals disaster with no resolution. When we do this we are actually telling our children that yelling and screaming and throwing a fit is okay, regardless of what we say.

We no longer present ourselves as emotionally mature adults. Quite the contrary. Our emotional maturity now matches the emotional maturity of our child- the child that is yelling and screaming and carrying on in a wild way.

Positive discipline is scream free discipline. Rules are established. Children know the consequences for breaking those rules. Children also know that they have a choice- follow the rules or lose a privilege. This can all be done without screaming and yelling.

When your child is feeling out of control, they need to know that someone is okay. And that someone is you. They need to feel secure knowing that you are stable while their world feels rocked. They need grounding. They need a calm presence in the middle of their chaos.  By getting calmer as they get louder, you are modeling appropriate behavior. And modeling usually is the best teacher.

Parents and the Rise of Psychiatric Medication

Day 88/365 - my prescriptions

Day 88/365 – my prescriptions (Photo credit: Newbirth35)

“Xanax Makes Me a Better Mom,” written by Shawn Bean, Executive Editor of Parenting Magazine, appears in the March 2013 issue. The article discusses the rising number of parents who currently take antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications.

This article reports the following statistics.

1-5 American adults take at least one type of medication to treat behavioral or psychological problems.

21% of fathers will experience one or more episodes of depression by their child’s 12th birthday.

28% of stay at home moms report feeling depressed compared to 17% of working moms.

There has been a 264% rise in psychiatric drug use among women ages 20-44 over the past ten years. [Read more...]

Children and Self-Esteem

goodIf you tell your children that they are stupid and worthless, they will believe you. If you tell your children that they are capable of wonderful things, they will believe you, too. What do you want your children to believe?

Children internalize messages that they hear from their parents, regardless of the message’s validity. Young children believe that their parents know best. This means that your young children take whatever you say to heart. If you become frustrated by your child’s mistake and you call him or her stupid, your child will not only believe you, but will continue to call him or herself the same thing.

What you say to a child sticks like glue and the child may continue to say the same thing to themselves for the rest of their lives. I have heard this “voice” referred to as a parental interject. Your voice, what you say to a child, becomes like a tape in that child’s head- playing over and over again.

We need to be cognizant of what we say to our children both verbally and through our body language. A child who believes he is worthy will approach the world in a much different way than a child who believes that he is worthless.

Children who believe that they are capable and worthy will often rise to the occasion and feel good about themselves. Whereas children who believe that they are incapable or unworthy will sell themselves short on just about everything in life.

As parents, we need to really watch what messages we are sending to our children. Yes, children do need discipline, but so do we.

Family Boundaries

Pfamily“I can’t believe your father did it again!” “This is just between me and you. Don’t share this with your mother.” “Your mother drives me crazy!”

Most parents complain about their partner to their child once in a while, and it often is not a big deal. However, if the complaining becomes habitual problems arise. [Read more...]

What is Parenting?

Child on the beach

Child on the beach (Photo credit: marcusfrieze)

Parenting is hard work.  Let me repeat myself.  PARENTING IS HARD WORK!  But it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences in life.  We love our children.  We don’t always like the choices that they make, and sometimes their behaviors drive us crazy, but we love them all the same.  We try our best, but we do make mistakes.  We ALL make mistakes.  But we try to learn from our mistakes- at least most of us do.

For many jobs out there training is required- a class, a workshop, an internship.  Not for parenting.  We aren’t even given an instruction manual.  Talk about on the job training- and many times without a trainer.  Yet parenting is the most important job out there, in my opinion.

What is parenting?  What is effective parenting?  [Read more...]

The 7 Habits of Happy Kids

Cover of "The 7 Habits of Happy Kids"

Cover of The 7 Habits of Happy Kids

Sean Covey’s inspiring picture book, The 7 Habits of Happy Kids, is a fantastic book for children.  It is packed full of character building stories, adorable illustrations, and questions for parents to discuss with their children.  It also includes baby steps at the end of each story, giving children small tasks that will help them master each habit.

Covey’s habits are based on teamwork, responsibility, balance, vision, togetherness, listening, making a plan, getting things done, and finding win-win resolutions to problems.

 Parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches, and anyone working with children- This is a book that I highly recommend.

Covey, Sean. The 7 Habits of Happy Kids. Simon & Schuster Books for Young Readers, New York: 2008.

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