Practices That Lead to a More Fulfilling Life
“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise L. Hay
Lori Deschene, author and founder of Tiny Buddha writes, “We all have techniques we depend on to lift our spirits when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our lives. A while back, I realized something about the ones I’d found most effective when struggling to forgive or accept myself: Many of them involved seeking validation from other people. [Read more...]
“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.” -Author John Powell
Do you want your child to believe in him or herself? Do you want your child to develop a strong sense of self? Do you want your child to have self-confidence? Most of us do. So what do we need to do in order to plant this seed? [Read more...]
Do your people pleasing habits leave you worn out and angry? These 5 shoulds often lead to disappointment, anger, resentment, and hurt. [Read more...]
“Good fences make good neighbors” Robert Frost
Boundaries are those invisible lines that separate you from other people. When children grow up in families that practice healthy boundaries, these boundaries are typically passed down through generations. The same is true when individuals are raised in dysfunctional families that have no sense of healthy boundaries. These poor boundaries, too, are often passed down the generational line.
Poor boundaries are usually too rigid or too loose. Like a concrete wall, rigid boundaries keep people out. When a person is closed off with rigid boundaries, they do not allow themselves to become vulnerable, which makes true intimacy impossible.
People with loose boundaries have little fence or no fence at all. The separation between self and others is blurred. Individuals with loose boundaries do not have a clear sense of self. These people trust easily, disclose too much, have a difficult time setting limits, and often become enmeshed with others.
Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. If you are aware that your personal boundaries are either too loose or too rigid, you can learn healthy boundaries.
The first step to change is recognizing that change is needed. What you do not acknowledge, you do not change.
What is a healthy boundary? Take a look.
People with healthy boundaries:
know what they will and will not do.
know what they will and will not tolerate from others.
are able to be close to someone without becoming enmeshed or engulfed.
have well-defined limits.
are not possessive of their friends.
know how to say no.
have balanced friendships rather than one-way friendships.
know when to self-disclose and when to withhold information.
know that the amount of self-disclosure, depends on the relationship. (What is appropriate to share in one relationship, may not be appropriate in another.)
do not allow themselves to be abused.
do not rely on children to meet their physical or emotional intimacy needs.
are able to trust without trusting too easily.
are able to respect the privacy of others.
are able to view their partner and their children separate from themselves, with different needs and opinions.
do not push affection on others.
respect the personal space of others.
speak up when someone crosses the line of common decency.
respect another’s right to say “no.”
are able to be vulnerable within their marriage.
If your boundaries were violated when you were young, causing you to have poorly defined boundaries now, please consider working on this with a mental health professional. You are worth it! Your children are worth it! Your grandchildren are worth it!
Kenny had been told that he was worthless for as long as he could remember. He was often called a loser and told that he was good for nothing. The fifteen-year-old had no reason to doubt the validity of these messages that were etched deeply within his very being. His father had abandoned the family when he was four. Kenny remembers the day his father left to go to 7-11 for coffee. He never returned. His mother never failed to remind him of her disdain for men, and often let him know that he was just like his father.
Sometimes it doesn’t take much to change a life.
Mr. Smith vividly remembers Kenny walking into his tenth grade English class, quiet and withdrawn, radiating sadness. Over the course of that tenth grade year, Mr. Smith worked with Kenny, helping him to recognize and build upon his strengths. Mr. Smith was consistent, reliable, compassionate, and uplifting- things that Kenny desperately needed. Mr. Smith believed in Kenny, and slowly Kenny began to believe in himself. With the help of Mr. Smith, Kenny began to challenge those beliefs that had been ingrained in him at such a young age. He began to replace them with feelings of self-worth. Mr. Smith’s influence was life changing. Kenny had found someone who believed in him.
Whether we are five or fifty-five, we need to know that someone believes in us. Sometimes, that alone, is the first step towards believing in ourselves. Do not underestimate the power you have to change a life. Take the time to listen to someone, show them empathy, and let them know that you believe in them. Sometimes it doesn’t take much to change a life.
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed., MSW, LCSW
As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
-John F. Kennedy
My children were taught at a very young age to say thank you and no thank you. When my daughter was three, I would pick her up from preschool and her teacher would often tell me how polite she was to everybody. Matter of fact, she was so polite that she responded “no thank you” when her teacher asked her if she was ready to go to the computer lab, and when her dentist asked if she was ready to get her teeth cleaned. (By the way, these really weren’t choices.)
Although she was taught to say the right words, did she really feel gratitude? I hope so. We can easily throw words around, but do we feel them? Do our children? Today so many kids have so much; are they truly grateful? [Read more...]
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
Life Rewards Action
A dream remains a dream until paired with action.
Action is needed to turn the dream into a reality.
Do you sit back and dream? or
Do you sit back and dream and then get up and do?
Don’t just watch life, live life.
All big things start with one small step.
Even the smallest action creates momentum.
Make it purposeful!
Make it meaningful!
Make it count!
You are never too old, and it is never too late!
Begin today!
Let Life In!
You are worth it!
Let Life In Practices
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
I can’t believe that she said that to me. Do you know what he did, after all that I have done for him? She never has a nice thing to say to me.
The only person that you have control to change is you. You can’t change another person unless he or she wants to change. When someone acts cruel or unkind, you can allow it to ruin your day, your week, or even your year, or you can rise above, refusing to give the offender that much power. It is your choice.
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
When you compare yourself to others it is not a true comparison. You are comparing what you know about yourself on the inside; your fears, your insecurities, your past mistakes, and your short-comings, to your perception of the other person. To use an old cliché, you are not comparing apples to apples.
Unless you have walked in the footsteps of another and have actually experienced their experiences, you are comparing yourself to a fantasy of what you perceive the other to be.
Another problem with comparing yourself to other people is that you may compare your limitations or areas of needed growth to their strengths, losing sight of the fact that you have strengths in areas where they may be more limited.
The bottom line is to recognize and maximize your own strengths, accept or strengthen your limitations, and appreciate your uniqueness. Be the best that you can be and stop worrying about what the other person is doing. Treat others with kindness and be cognizant that your perception of others is just that, your perception.
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
It was a picture of a tree, laden with beautiful blossoms looking as if they were about to bloom, that caught my eye. The colors were radiant making the entire drawing come to life. The artist, a young-looking twelve-year-old boy, enveloped over his work, sitting at a round table in the rear of the room at the psychiatric hospital where I worked. Group therapy was getting ready to begin and the adolescents were all called to join the circle. Sam, who was suffering from symptoms of severe depression, slowly got up to join the group leaving his masterpiece behind.
As the group got underway, the adolescents began to share things that had become difficult and felt intolerable in their lives. Sam described what it was like for him growing up in a family of athletes and the expectations that he felt were put on him. He listed all of his failed attempts from playing community soccer and feeling like the worst player on the team to trying out for the middle school basketball team only to have his peers laugh at him. As he continued to share and describe his experiences, it was evident that he considered himself to be a failure as a person because he lacked athletic talent.
Here was a boy who was an extremely talented artist, yet totally unaware of his wonderful gift. Had he grown up in a family of artists, his entire self-perception would probably have been radically different. He had come to view his self-worth dependent on his athletic ability. By comparing himself to his athletic family and peers, he had come to view himself as deficient; deficient, not just in athletics, but deficient as a person, unable to recognize his beautiful amazing unique gifts and talents. Part of Sam’s therapy would be to help him change the way in which he perceived himself.
We can learn from Sam and make a conscious effort not to compare ourselves to others because we all have different personal strengths and limitations and our worth is not dependent on our ability to perform. We can also help our children find their own unique strengths separate from our own so that they begin to appreciate their uniqueness and individuality.
Next Post Tuesday Part Two: Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others: It is not a true comparison
Comments are encouraged. If there is a mental health topic you would like to know more about, please let me know.
WELCOME! I am so EXCITED that you are here! My mission is to MOTIVATE and INSPIRE you to look at things from multiple angles- create lots of "WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT," or "I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT TODAY!" moments. These posts are written to be read again and again in order to OBLITERATE negative thinking and MASTER something new. Something new that will improve your life one baby step at a time, one blog post at a time. Please don't sell yourself short. For you are tall, really TALL! Let's get started.
