Practices That Lead to a More Fulfilling Life
“Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights of others.” -Mayo Clinic Staff
Aggressive people tend to put their needs before the needs of others. Passive people tend to put the needs of others above themselves. Passive-aggressive people tend to [Read more...]
When we judge our feelings as ”bad” or we tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, we are essentially telling ourselves that something is wrong with us. This creates shame, and shame is at the root of self-sabotaging behaviors. Our harsh judgment of our emotions snowballs into something much worse. [Read more...]
“Anybody can become angry-that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way- that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” -Aristotle
Let go of what no longer serves you. (Photo credit: SweetOnVeg)
A client came to me the other day. She is chronically anger with her mother and has been for years. The anger is poisoning her. It is tearing her apart. She describes herself as nothing but a bitter shell of who she use to be. She is so consumed by her anger that she is shutting out all of the joy in her life (and there is a lot). I shared with her my lesson. [Read more...]
Unexpressed and unresolved grief has a way of reappearing in the form of chronic anger and fits of rage.
Many times parents bring children and adolescents into my office hoping that I can help fix their child’s anger problem. As their story unfolds, so does the child’s history of great loss. Sometimes the child has endured an obvious loss, such as losing a loved one. But often the loss is less clear, but equally damaging. [Read more...]
To validate is to recognize, establish, or illustrate worth.
“I get you.”
“I understand you.”
“I respect you.”
“I hear you.”
“Your opinions matter.”
“You have worth.”
We all long to hear these things. We all long to be validated. You can validate another person regardless of whether you agree with their opinions. Validating another person just means that you listen to what they are saying and legitimize their feelings- even if you disagree.
One of the most effective ways to de-escalate an angry person is to stay calm and validate their concerns. After the angry person vents and feels heard, they will usually calm down.
Try this: ”I understand that this has made you really angry.”
Rather than:“WHAT ARE YOU SO ANGRY ABOUT?!!
One of the most effective ways to establish open communication with your child is to validate their feelings. By acknowledging their feelings, you increase the likelihood that they will tell you more. Trust me, this is a good thing. When difficult feelings go underground and get swept under the rug, they do not go away. They reappear in unhealthy ways.
Try this: “I can see that really hurt you.”
Rather than: ”What are you so upset about? Don’t be such a baby.”
One of the most effective ways to make your partner feel loved is to validate them. You are not necessarily agreeing with them, but you are recognizing their worth.
Try this: “I understand that this really bothers you.”
Rather than: ”I can’t believe that you are upset over that!”
One of the most effective ways to get your children to believe in themselves, is to validate them. When you tell a child that they shouldn’t feel a certain way, you have not changed the way that they feel. You have only created confusion and doubt within the child.
Try this: “That must have really hurt.”
Rather than: “What is wrong with you? You shouldn’t feel that way.”
The importance of validating a child is huge. The implications of growing up in an invalidating environment are many. Take a look at Samantha. Samantha’s feelings were dismissed for years. When Samantha fell down, her mother told her that the fall did not hurt. It hurt. When her father came home in a drunken rage, her mother told her that it was nothing to worry about. Samantha was worried. And when Samantha told her mother that she was scared, her mother told her that she was ridiculous. Was she?
Ten years later, Samantha begins to date Ron. One evening, Ron hits Samantha. When Samantha becomes upset, Ron tells Samantha that she is making a big deal over nothing. Although being hit feels like a big deal to Samantha, she can’t trust her feelings and defers to Ron. Maybe it is not such a big deal, she rationalizes. Samantha stays with Ron. Had Samantha been taught that her feelings were valid, she may have left Ron after being hit the first time.
Remember, when you validate another, you are saying, “Your thoughts and feelings are important. They have value. You have value.”
Several years ago, I was working as a therapist in a day treatment facility for substance abusers. HALT was one of the relapse strategies that was taught. HALT is an acronym for the four words hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. When a person struggling with an addiction is in recovery and becomes hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, he or she is more likely to relapse back into the addiction. However, being aware of this and setting up a plan to avoid becoming overly hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, can reduce the risk of relapse. It is about risk management.
The same is true when it comes to our emotions.
Are you a hot head? Do you often lose your temper? Are you prone to depression? Do you have a history of lashing out at yourself or others when you become upset? Have your emotional reactions caused you regret?
Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, created strategies for reducing painful emotions. One of her strategies is to reduce vulnerability to extreme emotional mind. (It is your extreme emotional mind that often gets you into trouble.) Similar to HALT, that is typically used with substance abusers, the acronym PLEASE MASTERY can be used to reduce the risk of emotional blow out.
Take a look below.
Treat PhysicaL illness: Make and keep doctor’s appointments
Balanced Eating: Yes, it will make you feel better.
No mood-Altering drugs: A drugged mind has a difficult time being a wise mind.
Balanced Sleep: When you are tired you are more likely to explode.
Exercise: This is anger management and an excellent antidepressant all rolled up into one. If you are not consistently getting active, you have no idea what you are missing.
MASTERY: What can you master? Accomplishing a goal, no matter how small, does wonders for the mood.
*I would like to add prayer, meditation, and healthy communication to Linehan’s PLEASE MASTERY.
Do your part, without relying on a pill alone.
Do your part, no matter how difficult, to reduce your vulnerability to your extreme emotional mind. There are many people who do not keep doctor’s appointments, eat junk food all day long, stay up half the night watching tv, and get little to no exercise, and expect a small pill or pills to fix them. It just doesn’t work this way. You must do the work it takes to feel better. Depression can zap your energy and your motivation, making it extremely difficult to do anything. This is when you will really have to push yourself to do what you know is in your best interest rather than what you feel like doing.
Some conditions may require medication management, but no conditions require medication alone. Please consult your doctor. This article is written for your information only and is not medical advice.
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed., MSW, LCSW
Counseling couples, I am often amazed at the horrible way many partners speak to one another. They say things to each other that they would not dream of saying to an enemy, let alone the person that they claim to love. Many people come to view their partner as an extension of themself; saying whatever it is that comes to mind with little concern or awareness of how it actually affects the other person. Over time, these harmful interactions build, and contempt enters the relationship. Once contempt is present, there is no place left for love to dwell.
Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
Be mindful and aware of what is really happening in the present.
Painful feelings stemming from past emotional wounds have a way of resurfacing in our present day relationships. Although this concept is nothing new, many of us are totally unaware of what is happening when our feelings surrounding old injuries are triggered. We may believe that the prompting event in the here and now is the sole cause of our emotional distress without connecting the dots to the past. Many times what is happening in the present is a reminder, either conscious or unconscious, of our history. Displaced emotion can wreak havoc on our current relationships if we do not really know what is going on within us. [Read more...]
WELCOME! I am so EXCITED that you are here! My mission is to MOTIVATE and INSPIRE you to look at things from multiple angles- create lots of "WOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT," or "I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT TODAY!" moments. These posts are written to be read again and again in order to OBLITERATE negative thinking and MASTER something new. Something new that will improve your life one baby step at a time, one blog post at a time. Please don't sell yourself short. For you are tall, really TALL! Let's get started.
