What Your Child Needs Most From You

girl fishingWhat does your child need most from you?

What your child needs most from you is for you to not need your child.

I first heard this from my friend and colleague, Dr. Paul VanValin, a clinical psychologist.

“What?” you may ask. As I originally did.

“Of course I need my child. I love my child!”- you may say.

Our children need us to be there for them- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not the other way around. They need us- they don’t want us to need them. If we need them they live a life so consumed with our needs, that they forget that they have any of their own. And this has potential life-long consequences. [Read more...]

Children and Self-Esteem

goodIf you tell your children that they are stupid and worthless, they will believe you. If you tell your children that they are capable of wonderful things, they will believe you, too. What do you want your children to believe?

Children internalize messages that they hear from their parents, regardless of the message’s validity. Young children believe that their parents know best. This means that your young children take whatever you say to heart. If you become frustrated by your child’s mistake and you call him or her stupid, your child will not only believe you, but will continue to call him or herself the same thing.

What you say to a child sticks like glue and the child may continue to say the same thing to themselves for the rest of their lives. I have heard this “voice” referred to as a parental interject. Your voice, what you say to a child, becomes like a tape in that child’s head- playing over and over again.

We need to be cognizant of what we say to our children both verbally and through our body language. A child who believes he is worthy will approach the world in a much different way than a child who believes that he is worthless.

Children who believe that they are capable and worthy will often rise to the occasion and feel good about themselves. Whereas children who believe that they are incapable or unworthy will sell themselves short on just about everything in life.

As parents, we need to really watch what messages we are sending to our children. Yes, children do need discipline, but so do we.

Family Boundaries

Pfamily“I can’t believe your father did it again!” “This is just between me and you. Don’t share this with your mother.” “Your mother drives me crazy!”

Most parents complain about their partner to their child once in a while, and it often is not a big deal. However, if the complaining becomes habitual problems arise. [Read more...]

What is Parenting?

Child on the beach

Child on the beach (Photo credit: marcusfrieze)

Parenting is hard work.  Let me repeat myself.  PARENTING IS HARD WORK!  But it can also be one of the most rewarding experiences in life.  We love our children.  We don’t always like the choices that they make, and sometimes their behaviors drive us crazy, but we love them all the same.  We try our best, but we do make mistakes.  We ALL make mistakes.  But we try to learn from our mistakes- at least most of us do.

For many jobs out there training is required- a class, a workshop, an internship.  Not for parenting.  We aren’t even given an instruction manual.  Talk about on the job training- and many times without a trainer.  Yet parenting is the most important job out there, in my opinion.

What is parenting?  What is effective parenting?  [Read more...]

How to plant the seed of self-acceptance in your child

“Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.” -Author John Powell

Do you want your child to believe in him or herself?  Do you want your child to develop a strong sense of self?  Do you want your child to have self-confidence?  Most of us do.  So what do we need to do in order to plant this seed? [Read more...]

4 Tips to Improve the Communication With Your Child

Do you allow your children to tell you how they are feeling, even if you do not like what they have to say?

or

Do you become angry when you hear them express feelings that are unacceptable to you?

Your child is going to feel the way that they feel whether they tell you or not.  By providing a safe environment for them to express their feelings, you are teaching them the art of healthy communication which will reduce the risk of acting out emotions in destructive ways. [Read more...]

Love or dependency

Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you. -Wayne Dyer

[Read more...]

I believe in you

Kenny had been told that he was worthless for as long as he could remember.  He was often called a loser and told that he was good for nothing.  The fifteen-year-old had no reason to doubt the validity of these messages that were etched deeply within his very being.  His father had abandoned the family when he was four.  Kenny remembers the day his father left to go to  7-11 for coffee.  He never returned.  His mother never failed to remind him of her disdain for men, and often let him know that he was just like his father.

Sometimes it doesn’t take much to change a life.

 Mr. Smith vividly remembers Kenny walking into his tenth grade English class, quiet and withdrawn, radiating sadness.  Over the course of that tenth grade year, Mr. Smith worked with Kenny, helping him to recognize and build upon his strengths.  Mr. Smith was consistent, reliable, compassionate, and uplifting-  things that Kenny desperately needed.  Mr. Smith believed in Kenny, and slowly Kenny began to believe in himself.  With the help of Mr. Smith, Kenny began to challenge those beliefs that had been ingrained in him at such a young age.  He began to replace them with feelings of self-worth.  Mr. Smith’s influence was life changing.  Kenny had found someone who believed in him.

Whether we are five or fifty-five, we need to know that someone believes in us.  Sometimes, that alone, is the first step towards believing in ourselves.  Do not underestimate the power you have to change a life.  Take the time to listen to someone, show them empathy, and let them know that you believe in them.  Sometimes it doesn’t take much to change a life.

We teach our children by example

Love      gratitude      respect      faith      humility      responsibility      joy      hope     kindness      courage     generosity     self-esteem      honesty      willingness to work      perseverance      compassion      self-discipline      contentment      integrity      forgiveness      patience      teamwork….

We teach our children by example.  What do you want them to learn?

Mistakes: Opportunities to Grow

Some of the most successful people have no problem admitting that they have made a mistake.  It is for this reason that they may be so successful.  We must be willing to admit our mistakes, before we can be open to learning a new way.

Face it; we do not like to admit that we have made a mistake, even if it is a simple one.  Being corrected is no fun at all.  Sometimes it is just a matter of opinion, and there is no right or wrong.  Other times, we are mistaken; or we just screwed up, plain and simple.  Although it may not be on our top ten fun things to do list, some of us are able to admit mistakes without any hesitation, while others can not acknowledge them to themselves, let alone to others.

We all know people who can do no wrong, at least in their own mind.  Even the possibility of being mistaken, makes them feel deeply threatened.  Rather than viewing mistakes as opportunities necessary for self-growth, they may deny, rationalize, and blame their mistakes on others.  Why?  Take a look. [Read more...]

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