Tag Archives: child

Letting Go of Harsh Self-Judgments: The Eight Steps to Change. Step 6.

kbceightstepsstep6Remember, we usually live up to our view of ourselves. Are you uplifting or overly critical?

Over the past five weeks, we’ve made great strides in the process of releasing harsh self-judgments and adopting an attitude of self-care and self-compassion by…

  1. acknowledging that we want to change.
  2. becoming aware that we put ourselves down.
  3. catching ourselves each time we are self-critical.
  4. becoming our own nurturing self-parent.
  5. learning where the self-critical messages originated so that we can challenge them.


Today, we’ll discuss Step 6: Picturing yourself as a child. I find that this is an immensely powerful tool for invoking self-compassion. Continue reading

Letting Go of Harsh Self-Judgments: The Eight Steps to Change. Step 4.

kbceightstepsfourSo you’ve acknowledged what you want to change, become deeply aware of your self-critical habits, and started to catch yourself in the act when you beat yourself up. Now it’s time to become your own self-parent and stop yourself from making harsh self-judgments. It may sound a little odd, the idea of parenting yourself, but believe me, this is exactly the attitude you need to take! Continue reading

What Your Child Needs Most From You

girl fishingWhat does your child need most from you?

What your child needs most from you is for you to not need your child.

I first heard this from my friend and colleague, Dr. Paul VanValin, a clinical psychologist.

“What?” you may ask. As I originally did.

“Of course I need my child. I love my child!”- you may say.

Our children need us to be there for them- physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not the other way around. They need us- they don’t want us to need them. If we need them they live a life so consumed with our needs, that they forget that they have any of their own. And this has potential life-long consequences. Continue reading

Children and Self-Esteem

goodIf you tell your children that they are stupid and worthless, they will believe you. If you tell your children that they are capable of wonderful things, they will believe you, too. What do you want your children to believe?

Children internalize messages that they hear from their parents, regardless of the message’s validity. Young children believe that their parents know best. This means that your young children take whatever you say to heart. If you become frustrated by your child’s mistake and you call him or her stupid, your child will not only believe you, but will continue to call him or herself the same thing.

What you say to a child sticks like glue and the child may continue to say the same thing to themselves for the rest of their lives. I have heard this “voice” referred to as a parental interject. Your voice, what you say to a child, becomes like a tape in that child’s head- playing over and over again.

We need to be cognizant of what we say to our children both verbally and through our body language. A child who believes he is worthy will approach the world in a much different way than a child who believes that he is worthless.

Children who believe that they are capable and worthy will often rise to the occasion and feel good about themselves. Whereas children who believe that they are incapable or unworthy will sell themselves short on just about everything in life.

As parents, we need to really watch what messages we are sending to our children. Yes, children do need discipline, but so do we.

Family Boundaries

Pfamily“I can’t believe your father did it again!” “This is just between me and you. Don’t share this with your mother.” “Your mother drives me crazy!”

Most parents complain about their partner to their child once in a while, and it often is not a big deal. However, if the complaining becomes habitual problems arise. Continue reading